So we were, you know, messing around a bit, and decided to spice the whole deal up by doing some role-playing. She read about it in a book, or magazine, or learned about it at Girl Scout camp and her idea was this: I would dress up like a cowboy, and she would be an Indian princess.
"Uh...’Indian’ ?" I asked, racked with white guilt.
"All right, all right," she said, "Native American. Whatever."
"Ok,” I said, “ so what's the situation?"
"Well, you're this cowboy see, and I'm this In- Native American princess. Get it?"
"Yeah, I get it," I said, "Oh, yeah. Then what?"
"Whaddya mean, ‘then what’?"
"Well, I mean, what, I'm out riding around or something?"
"Yeah, sure. Out riding around. Doin', y'know, cowboy stuff."
"This is getting fun! What kind of stuff?"
"Whaddya mean?"
"Well, you said ridin' around, doing cowboy stuff and I’m just wondering what kind of stuff. "
"What difference does it make? Out ridin' around, doing cowboy stuff, and then you see me."
"Great," I said, "I'm really starting to get into this. What tribe are you from?"
"What?" She asked.
"Tribe. What tribe are you from. You know, like, are we in the desert, in the mountains, at the beach, what’s the deal?"
"Ooh, the beach sounds nice,” she said, “ let's be there."
"Perfect,” I said. “ Okay, so we're at the beach, and you're a Native American princess... wait a minute."
"What?"
"Well, did they have cowboys at the beach? I mean, I know certain tribes of Native Americans hung out there, but I'm not sure about-"
"Look, this is supposed to be a fantasy, remember? We're spicing up our love life, right? What difference does it make what tribe I'm from or if they had cowboys at the beach, huh? This isn't a fricken history lesson, it's foreplay."
"Right," I said, "I know, it's just that, well, in order for me to play along, I need to know certain things. It just makes it seem more real to me."
"What 'real?' Here's all you have to know. You're a cowboy. I'm an Indian princess. It doesn't matter what you're doing, or where you're going, it doesn't matter what kind of horse you're on. You see me, right, then you jump off your horse, rip my little Indian smock off, then-"
"Whoa,” I said, “wait a sec. That sounds a little forceful, Y'know, I mean I'm not so sure how I feel about that. Like, my kind has already taken your land away, destroying your culture, and here I come, just jumpin' off my horse onto any Native American princess I feel like and I don't know if I'm real comfortable with that. I mean, it kind of makes me out to be sort of a prick, y'know?"
"You're missing the whole point there, baby cakes,” she said. “ The point is not for you to be some PC cowpoke out to save the wilderness and all, the point is, we're trying to get it on, so we're making up this scenario. That's it."
"I know,” I said, “ why can't it be like, I come riding into your camp there, bringing some medicine to save your little brother or something. Then, after hanging out for a bit, getting to know each other somewhat, y'know, we fall in love. Then I have to prove my worthiness to your father, the chief, by going through some incredible right of passage, some malehood deal, like being hung up by wooden stakes through my pecs, eating some peyote and entering the spirit world where I find my animal totem which, coincidentally, happens to be the same as yours, thereby proving our destiny together. Finally, I have to go up against the fiercest warrior in the tribe in a grueling bout of hand to hand that leaves both men battered and near death. You finally accept me, nursing me back to health with mixtures of local herbs and spiritual song, and once I'm better, and after a proper marriage ceremony, we unite in beautiful-"
"What are you, A Man Called Horse meets Dances With Wolves? It's a fantasy, for God's sake. Okay, I got it. How about this? You come riding by, I jump out of a tree, beat the living dog shit out of you, steal your horse and ride back to my village where I hook up the fierce warrior? Huh? Is that accurate enough for you?"
"Actually, I don't think women were allowed in trees, or-“
"Ok, all right, just forget it. Jesus. Let's just forget the whole thing. Besides, Modern Family is on in a couple minutes, anyway."
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